Hello Again

Oh hey, remember me? Over 2 years ago I received a challenge to start a blog to share my testimony with others and I’ve written 4 posts since then. Pretty pathetic, right? I have a lot of good reasons/excuses for not keeping up with it.
Reason #1 Instead of following through with what I feel inspired to write about, I say no. Reason #2 I’m afraid of what people will think about me.
Reason #3 I make a lot of excuses.

Let me explain better. I felt so strongly that I was supposed to start this blog when we received the challenge at the Relief Society Broadcast. I was not happy about it either. But I did it anyway. And a few times since then I wrote when I felt inspired. I wish I could say that I just haven’t been inspired since then and that’s why I haven’t shared. Not true. I have…and I have had the whole post written in my mind and instead of writing, I said no and tried to ignore what I was feeling. In the past few weeks I have been fighting with the feeling that I should write again. I have been wanting to scream NO! But, the problem with that is if I can continue to say no to inspiration, I’m probably going to stop receiving it. So it’s time I listen and share again.

“Reason #2 I’m afraid of what people will think of me.” Now this is probably not what you imagine. I’m not afraid (well not totally) that people will think I’m stupid or that I have dumb opinions or that I don’t know how to write. I’m not afraid that people will leave me mean comments (okay, I’m sort of afraid) or disagree with me. I’m afraid that people will get the wrong impression and think that I have it all figured it. I’m afraid people will assume I read my scriptures everyday like I should. I’m afraid people will think I never lack the faith to pray to my Heavenly Father. I’m afraid people will get the wrong impression. I don’t want people to think I have it all together, because I don’t. Not. Even. Close. I don’t want people to ever read my words and feel bad about themselves because they aren’t doing what I’m doing. As an example, I read a sweet blog post from a girl once about how to be a good wife. It was well written and came from her heart, but I walked away feeling like a failure. That is not what she intended and I know that. I was having my own personal struggles at the time and was not feeling good enough, so I immediately assumed she had it all together and that I would never be as good as her. I do not want people to think that. That is what scares me the most. Because, I struggle, I cry, I judge, I offend, I get offended, I selfishly take and don’t give as much as I should, I yell, I get annoyed….I struggle. And sometimes I struggle hard. But…I do also laugh, see the good in others, pray, choose not to take offense, love my husband, love my kids, stay patient and choose to be happy. I have good days and bad days. Sometimes I have good weeks and bad weeks. Heck, sometimes I have bad months. But I do try. I’m just like you. So please don’t ever let my words make you feel like you are less than me. Because I promise you that you are good even when you struggle. I have so much to learn from all of you and feel so inadequate to share any of my thoughts and feelings or beliefs because I know how imperfect I am.

AND Reason #3 I make excuses. Enough said. I make a lot of excuses. I’m going to try to stop doing that.

I have felt the spirit so strong these past few Sundays as the talks were given and lessons were taught. One man spoke about missionary work and why we should share our beliefs with other people. Why we should not be afraid to reach out and talk about what is so important to us. He mentioned that one of the reasons it’s so scary to reach out is because people WILL break your heart. It’s inevitable. That’s why it’s scary to date, to make new friends, to open up, and to just be in any relationship really. Even the people we love the most will break our heart. So, when we have the desire to start a new relationship and make new friends, we’re afraid. We’re afraid of rejection and afraid of getting our hearts broken. We’re especially afraid to share the most important things about our lives. But, he also talked about the people who have gone before us, who have shared their beliefs openly…and he said “I guarantee you won’t be tarred and feathered. I guarantee you won’t be beat and hung on a cross.” It really hit me…people have gone before me and have shared their testimonies and they got more than just a rude comment on the internet, they were physically beat…their lives and the lives of their loved ones were threatened. But they still stood up for what they believed. I believe in God, I know he lives and loves me. I know that he was perfect and people still hated him and broke his heart. But, he loves them still.

I’m grateful for the knowledge that I have a loving Heavenly Father. I’m grateful to know that when everyone else has let me down, he is there to pick me back up. But, we have to let him. We have to invite him. If we do, he’ll be there. He wants to be there. As I work toward a better relationship with Heavenly Father this year, I invite you to come along. I invite you to pray to God and ask him for whatever you need. And don’t be afraid, because Heavenly Father will be so happy to hear from you.

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